Tuesday, January 30

Air mata menjadi saksi
Malam ini aku menyerah
Kau melampaui batas
Maafkan aku, aku kalah

Rasanya begitu perih
Sampai aku menjadi seperti ini
Ku tak mau menyalahkan siapapun Katakanlah takdir ilahi
Kalau memang lidahmu
Lebih dari seribu paku menghunjam jantungku

Cukup dengan hinaanmu, perkataanmu, intonasimu
Maksudmu yang baik dan melindungi
Akal dan logikaku tak bisa menerimanya
Kau membungkusnya dengan pisau tajam
Berdarah, terluka memegangnya

Kau selalu seperti itu
Aku tak bisa terima lagi
Aku tak bisa mengerti lagi

Karena kau
Aku gila
Aku kehilangan kepercayaan diriku sendiri
Aku selalu merasa buruk
Aku selalu bodoh
Aku selalu salah
Prestasiku sama sekali tak berarti

Mungkin memang jawabannya
Aku harus mati segera di depan matamu sendiri
Biar kau puas
Atau aku harus pergi selamanya sejauh2nya
Aku takkan pulang
Semua perkataan dan hinaanmu kan kubayar mesti ku tau takkan cukup

Aku tak mampu lagi
Aku tak mampu memikulnya lagi
Karena kau tau kau orang yang sangat berarti
Jangan pernah berharap aku pulang!
Aku sudah hancur sehancurnya

Sunday, January 21

Hi readers, Night :). Although I am not really sure if there are in the world is there any of people would like to read this "nothing" blog post. Forget it. I am sorry for the leaps, I just don't have moods. But, today is different, tomorrow I am planning to start over. Bismillah.

Start over = make a new beginning.

So start tonight, I am going to sleep early and woke early too tomorrow. Everything will change. I want to make myself be close to my creator, Allah SWT, The Beneficent, The Merciful, The Forgiver, Al Ghani. Right now, I am not in a really good condition, I am in condition which I felt bad about myself and sad without reasons. I am tired of this life. Actually I have no problems at all, I just lack of gratitude :( I want to change and be better.

I stayed home for days. After months of suffering and get involved with toxic people, I was defeated, my mental health was not strong enough to against it. So here am I right now, starting to hate and doubt myself which is not good for my mental health.

Now, I relaxed. I tried my best to think more positive despite all the bad things happened. I tried my best to tidy up my room, to make things be organized again like it used to. The point, I start over. To be better me, I have my dreams tho.

Saturday, January 20

Hi everyone :). Let me introduce you to itskikyy.blogspot.com. This is my personal blog. I write here about anything and I hope my writing will be beneficial. This blog mostly contains about my works, my business, and my story. It is just a random blog. In here I will share about anything. This blog covers several topics that I love like traveling, daily life stories, islamic things, college life stories, short stories and novels, entrepreneurship and leadership, book/movie/drama review, english learning, foodies and eatery, DIY/tutorials, and etc. I hope you enjoy your stay here and don't hesitate to comment. Just feel free :)

Friday, January 19

I didn't go anywhere today. Just stayed home literally did nothing, just watched movie and played a game. I watched Life is beautiful and ate porridge. Hmm. It was great and funny and sad tho I guess. The film told us the suffering of jewish in NAZI camp back in world war 2. And I did research again, so far I watched 2 movies had a saying about this holocaust story. It's bad, the camp is bad and not human. Sorry for my bad English. They must work like crazy. Ahh. It's very pity. I don't understand, why humans are mean even until now, see rohingya and palestinian stories. They killed. I hate something like that. Hmm. Hard for me to understand. It's just like that.

Thursday, January 18

I asked for permission to travel with my friends. I don't know why my father could only see negative things of anything. I admitted that I ever got that "bad things" from people. But the most important thing is I believe in Allah. My God will protect me.

Hmm. But somehow I think of myself, if I got kids in the future of course, I don't think I can give permissions if she wanted to go just like my position now. Or just I am so lazy? I preferred to go abroad with plane and got new knowledge or money? No no no, so materialistic tho.

I don't have a mood also. Sorry my friends. I think I just need to obey my parents once again. I understand my father doesn't want any bad things happen to me, his daughter's pride. Hmm. Then I want to stay home too. Watching drama and read nice books.

Wednesday, January 17

His name is risky too. He is my student. Very first student that accept the honour to be an English with Kiky Private Course student. He is the first.

Thanks I entered this faculty. I really found what I like to do. I love to share my knowledge :)
He is so nice and charming. He wanted to learn of course. I like that kind of students.
Finally. God really helps me. It seems impossible, but I did it. All those crazy assignments were done greatly and on time. I wasn't really sleep these 2 weeks. My life  at those times felt really heavy. And now it's holiday! I am free. Alhamdulillah. Thanks God. I felt so happy.

Today was the happiest day in January 2018 I guess. I submitted and done all those assignments and projects. Now, time to do things I like, write, watch, read, traveling, and cleaning the untidied things.

I am in my own room. It feels heaven. I am so happy.

Tuesday, January 16

A week full of stress, because of assignments. I don't want to complain anymore. It's all my fault. I am so stressed out even now. That's the reason I was not posting here. I got fucked up because of my Elt Multimedia Course Project. My glasses is broken, just eat only dinner now, and don't ask if I took a bath or not.

I don't know what to say. If my parents saw my condition now they will be extremely angry and sad. My dirty clothes, dishes and untidied house. I am regretting for the time I was not home, months before I worked so hard and see what I've got? Humiliation and Rejection? I really got nothing :/ Fucked up! Bad!

Tuesday, January 9

I thought it was today for the deadline for the ELT Curriculum and Material Development course, I thought it was tomorrow for the deadline for TEFL and ELT Multimedia. But, Allah shows His power, it was not. I am speechless and so grateful for it. Words can not describe how happy I am.

This Tuesday, I tried to finish the assignments. Tried my best to think more positive and did the assignments well.

Monday, January 8

Sunday, January 7

I am no one. I am just a beginner. I have not really have a remarkable achievements, but I am a person that want to learn and study. Maybe it's for now, in the future I hope what I did today will make me get the amazing results.

Today was alhamdulillah a really amazing day for me. I am so productive today. I exercised in the morning, I joined a sharing session with famous and expert in both blogger and vlogger in Indonesia in the afternoon, and I did my assignments at night, and of course I also played my tetris game 😂 and not forget I still write here, although short.

The point is it is because maybe I have my prayers fixed. I don't want to leave it anymore. I want to be discipline about it. This year I also want to be grateful for everything even the small things.

Today I was very happy, indescribable happiness because I could meet people with same passions like me, blogging and vlogging.

I learned a lot. But maybe later I will post the detail. I have exam tomorrow, I need to sleep now, so I can woke up at 3 am tomorrow. I need to finish all the deadline by Tuesday. Bismillah. Wishmeluck.
Hmm. Yeah. I was late 🙃 for 10 minutes. Today was a huge day, alhamdulillah productive. I could install some of my assignments. Huffftt. Working till I felt my back became sore.

Just it. I really wanted to sleep because tomorow I must wake up early to pick my friend so we can jog together. Hope it is going to be sunny at the morning 😊.

5-hour sleep, I think it is really a blessing.

See yaaa

Friday, January 5

Years ago if I am not wrong, I ever promised to Allah in a very desperate state, exactly on Junior High School. At that time I prayed I wanted a bedroom for my own and I promised Allah I will always do the prayers consistently. I prayed again for laptop and I promised to share and make positive things through laptop exactly through the blog media as it is for me to share knowledge and school subject materials. I don't really think I had already fulfilled those promises. Hmm :) The point is I just want to be a good woman that can beneficial others and can make ones feel good.

So today, I shared to you English article. We often heard this phrase, take for granted. In songs or in movies. So based on my research it has two meanings. I am becoming curious for this phrase because my TEFL assignments, I found this on chapter 10 page 140

A widely accepted view of intelligence is that intelligence – however
measured and in whatever circumstance – comprises a single factor, usually
called the “g” factor. From this point of view, “Intelligence (g) can be
described as the ability to deal with cognitive complexity. . . . The vast
majority of intelligence researchers take these findings for granted”
(Gottfredson 1998: 24).

So take these findings for granted in there means  that they assume that findings is true without questioning it. As you can see the explanation in below,
  1. fail to properly appreciate (someone or something), especially as a result of overfamiliarity.
    example: "the comforts that people take for granted"
  2.      assume that something is true without questioning it.
    example: "those companies challenged beliefs that everyone else took for granted"

Exams mean not only worth 40% but also your 20% score of assignments. And here I am here, staying up late like crazy to try to finish that crazy assignments. I kept my commitment for writing since it heals me. When I wrote my feeling felt better and the burden getting little bit light.

Report for yesterday exactly Thursday. I was not going anywhere. 24 hours at my bedroom, reading k-drama recap, my father is strange, playing block puzzle games and of course finish one chapter. Hmm. Not really productive. I also planned for this month to release book and movie reviews immediately, but better to postpone until exam is finished.

God. Give me strength. Hope I can finish all of this by sunday. Only have 4 days left. Hufffttt.

Thursday, January 4

Right now I am struggling tried my best to finish this crazy (must handwritting 38 pages of A5 papers, summarying 19 chapters book with more than 300+ pages) assignments. I used pomodoro technique, although a little bit different, I write for 30 minutes than relax for 10 minutes. So I sacrifice my time to sleep to do this. I know it is bad, but I don't have any other way.

Alhamdulillah. I managed to survive and still believed in myself. I am not give up, this is really a biggest challenge for me to face this crazy assignments. Hmm. I only can pray to Allah to make me more strong to face that. All of the work hard will pay me someday. I believe it.

This midnight, I plan to finish listening and also installing TEFL, ELT CUR, ELT MUL assignments. Fighting! You can do it.

Wednesday, January 3

I am continuing to write in English again despite my limited vocabulary and grammatical knowledge. I tried my best to study it every day, here I just want to practice. Just want to remind if you are reading right now, you'll see so many grammatical errors here. Again I defend myself, I am still a beginner in studying English (although already study English for more than 13 years since in elementary). My bad.

So back to the journal. Last night I took the bus and 6-hour journey began. It was bad because I got headache like usual, maybe lack of sleep or overslept or stress? Idk.

I arrived home at 3.30am and then waited until dawn, to do prayer. Alhamdulillah. I folded my clothes, tidying up my bedroom. Then I fell asleep because my headache came again. My brother woke me up at 11. I grabbed my lunch then took a bath. 12.30 I went to my workplace, we then had a meeting discussed about our coming programs. There is always a program for each week focusing on USA, education in there, food and etc and also focused on speaking skills development for students in UNTAN.

Right now I try my best to finish chapter 9 and 10 summary. I am continuing writiing my journal and all the assignments. Bismillah. It is Wednesday today. Tonight I am planning to shop monthly needs, pay the bills and tidying up house.

Crazy. There is so many things need to do. And I don't know, is there any meeting for today's club weekly meeting? Let's see, I have not finish the vocabulary log tho. Hufffttt.

Tuesday, January 2

Tonight I am going back home to the city. Hmm. Left peace and my comfort zone in Bumi Lawang Kuari.

My assignments were alhamdulillah going to finish very soon. It was improved. Better than yesterday. I finished my listening TED talks assignments. Hufftt.

I keep continuing reading a short novel by Ernest Hemingway. I also planned to watch it on the way home, in the bus exactly.


Quotes for today:
"Call upon Me, I will answer your prayer."
Quran 40:60

I pray tomorrow I can finish all the assignments. Aamiin.

Monday, January 1

After wrote the part one in previous post, here I continue.

So today is the first day of 2018. I hope and all of us of course hope this year is going to an amazing year. 2017 left so many scars to me, I lost my laptop, my money and I got accident. I also did not save money well. I read almost a very little books, proved by no book reviews here. I watched quite many films but I did not review it (again). I little bit upset to myself. I am exhausted actually, I got my brain mentally drained. It is so tiring. This semester was hard. And still even until now I have not finished all of it.

I tried mybest to write in English as you know, again, to improve my English. I use English in a daily basis so that's the reason why I need to write in English.

Today I downloaded the Ed Sheeran song with the Perfect title. I little bit hope too, I can find my lover, the one that I can start relationship with and end in several years with marriage. Haha. Silly. This year I am going to be 20, and I am tired of being alone, I want to experience new things.


I found a love for me
Darling just dive right in
And follow my lead
Well I found a girl beautiful and sweet
I never knew you were the someone waiting for me
'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love
Not knowing what it was
I will not give you up this time
But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own
And in your eyes you're holding mine
Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song
When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath
But you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight
Well I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know
She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home
I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets
To carry love, to carry children of our own
We are still kids, but we're so in love
Fighting against all odds
I know we'll be alright this time
Darling, just hold my hand
Be my girl, I'll be your man
I see my future in your eyes
Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song
When I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful
I don't deserve this, darling, you look perfect tonight
Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song
I have faith in what I see
Now I know I have met an angel in person
And she looks perfect
I don't deserve this
You look perfect tonight

 So that's it. I also want to write my assignments left.
 -ELT Curriculum and Material Development: Summary, Course Project, PPT
-ELT Multimedia: WPM+HotPot Project
-TEFL: Journal, Summary, Lesson Plan, Table
-Listening: TED + Toeic

 I must work hard. And I am really sorry if you found here so many grammatical errors yah I am still studying that's the reason why I still made those errors. Fighting for me!

This is my first post in 2018. Goodbye 2017, a year for me that half of it filled with misery and depression. Thanks God I can pass and still survive.

I want to make everyday's journal too. It will be a very great timing to do that.

2018: Year Full of Happiness, Achievements and Positivities. Aamiin.

I also already set my resolutions and goals too don't care I achieve it or not, we'll see.

Finally, happy new year 2018. New year new spirit new me!