Wednesday, November 29

Saya rela habis kuota karena tidak sabar menunggu besok. Jadinya saya habisin eps 16 drama JungSoMin. Ini kedua kalinya saya nonton dramanya, dan daebak. JungSoMin itu aktress korea favorit saya. Dia benar2 selalu sukses membawa karakternya.

Drama ini benar2 relatable. I really like it. Dan sekarang bingung mau nonton apa. Saya tidak bisa tidak nonton sekarang. Sejak nonton itu bisa membuat otak saya tetap sehat dan normal.

Tuesday, November 28

Alhamdulillah. This life should be much appreciated. Right now, I really have a lot of work. Too many. God. No complaint.

Tonight I had decided to not go to sleep. I'll stay until tomorrow. I'll do my work for maybe 8 hours long. I hope my body can endure. I already spoiled myself before, just after college lecture done, I watched Because This is My First Life ep15 and Running Man ep378. Tonight I will do my assignments, writing my journal, writing my short story, writing my scholarship essay, writing my speaking presentation plan. Hmm :/

Alhamdulillah. Hidup ini harus banyak disyukuri. Sekarang. Kerjaan saya banyak. Banget. YaAllah. No complaint.

Malam ini saya memutuskan tidak tidur. I'll stay until tomorrow. Semoga badan ini kuat. Saya sudah memanjakan diri saya sepulang kuliah tadi dengan nonton eps 15 because this is my first life dan running man eps 378. Saya pulang kuliah jam 2 siang, dan sekarang jam 10 malam. Sudah cukup rasanya 8 jam saya relax, sedikit merelease stress saya. Malam ini saya akan mengerjakan journal saya, essay beasiswa, dan draft cerita lomba. Bismillah. Good luck for myself.

Karena saya mahasiswa b. Inggris, nasihat dosen saya untuk practice writing. Saya tulis 2 bahasa okay.

Monday, November 27

I woke up so suddenly at 3.00 am and then did my assignments. It was after I cried heavily last night. Like a child right? I was in a deep sadness and sorrow just by looking at the photos in facebook. I failed again and again. I was not selected to join an amazing program. And now I started to doubt myself, am I a failure? I was so embarassed to get failures again. I was so sad. I cried heavily and contemplated, 2017 gave me so much tears. I failed in so many programs that I dreamed of.

Maybe it was because I always looked up and less in grateful. Life is long, Ky. I managed to soothe myself since I had no one to calm me down. I cried alone. I felt really lonely. I was too embarassed to share this story to anyone even to my dear friend, “There’s a side which you never wish to show others… no matter how close you are with them. Sometimes, your family can be the least close people to you. When I decided to follow my dream, I thought my life would be like walking through a dark tunnel. But I didn’t know it was going to be… this dark. I didn’t know it was going to be this lonely.” – Yoon Ji Ho, Because This is My First Life. And I agree with that quotes. And I had only Allah for now, my God, to share and to complain all of my sadness and sorrow.

Life is long. Move on. You failed, you cried, and nothing will happen, you can't change anything. Because of this, I look like lose my confidence, lose myself. By the way they looked at me, it really hurt me, it killed me inside, it made me felt bad, and I was wondering, were there something wrong with me? Everyday likes hell, I had a hard time in there. I was loosing myself, I was not like my old me, who was a cheerful girl. But, am I overreact or thinking negatively?

I must move on. Life goes on, with or without me. Right now, I just want to be relax after got this pain. I have my parents that I want to make them proud and happy. I have my siblings that I want to support.

Life is long. One door closes, anothers open. Keep the spirit, Ky. Study and pray more. 

Wednesday, November 22

I did not ever predict, this semester will be this hard and crazy. I am really getting depressed this semester. Actually I think it's better for me to complaint it here since there will be no one read this trivial post. It's better rather than I complaint and throw all of my resentments to my friends. They were the same with me. We really got depressed with academic pressures. We did not even get the chance to join any organizations, we were just busy with our crazy assignments. It got worse than the first and second semester. And since it is my blog, I did not care with grammar mistake since I am still studying English. I tried my best to write gramatically here. But, pardon me if there was so many mistakes.

Right now it is already 10pm. I stuck in here in cafe close to my house. I heard so many dangdut songs in here. I came here to drink orange juice while did my assignments. This semester was really hard for me, I started to think that I am really stupid and did not know anything now. I was even really free than last semester. I am not working anymore. I just taught 2 students, I got stress a lot at a new place. It was totally stressful since they were treating me so bad. I don't know why I chose to stay, while they were so mean to me. It's just time I think I will get really angry with them. They don't know how can I become when they were treating me like that, I underlined one name that so demeaning me. I will prove someday. I will work hard. I can not accept your mistreat while my parents are really loving me. Who are you? How dare you? Let's see until when I can hold myself.

There were tons of assignments every WEEK. Let me list my assignments in here:

1. TEFL, Learning Activities based on Syllabus, Journal, Table, Summary.
2. ELT Curriculum, Semester Program.
3. ELT Multimedia, Webpage Project.
4. SPEAKING. Persuasive Speech, Presentation+Recording.
5. LISTENING. Summary from Video.
6. ACADEMIC READING. Presentation Paper
7. INTRO TO LITERATURE. Presentation Note.
8. BAHASA INDONESIA. Presentation.
9. POETRY. Practice
10. ISBD. Alhamdulillah nothing:)

Saturday, November 18

It is 12.30 now. And I am here waiting for my turn to get judgement about my poetry reading performance. I am quite nervous since I do not so into talking in front of ao many people. But it is challenging tho. It forces me step out my comfort zone.

I really really regret today that I mispredict. I predict today's examination will not take that long time. It's already 4 hours of exam. Hmm. I could spend that 4 hours to do my assignments. Hell! I hate my foolishness. I should take the time wisely and steal the time.

Tuesday, November 7

Right now it is 1.12 am and I and also maybe some people can not go to sleep like normal people, just to pursue their dream. I still wake this late because I need to finish my college assignments, I need to get good grades, I need to study, I need to get good GPA, I need that GPA to finish my study on time, I need that GPA to join my campus high-achiever student, Mawapres, Mahasiswa Berprestasi. I am so (I don’t like its word). I join the volunteer activity, I join my campus press organization, I join model united nations organization and even I search money by tutoring junior high school student. I join all of these crazy things just to build a good CV. I need it to get good job with high salary so that I can support my family well. I am the older, I want my bro and sis get good education. I need to be mature right now, I am 19. I have to study. I have to learn. There are so many things I need to do, I am not allowed to waste my time on trivial things. I have to be serious to reach my dreams.
It’s hard. It’s so tiring. It doesn’t mean that I did not enjoy it, but you know what, it’s just too much. I can’t let the opportunities go, since this is my last chance, I am in 3rd semester. I just can regret for I did nothing in my 1st and 2nd semester. I worked at that time. I let so many opportunities flew.
Yah. That’s life. I need to be mature. And even right now I can not believe in love anymore. My love always failed although I was never tried it before. Just to remember, I am woman, my task is only to give signal and dress well. But he is never attracted to me. I cannot believe it anymore, since I acknowledge and accept the fact that my face is not really pretty, my body is not really tall. I am not really confidence, I am not really smart, my strength is only I want to learn and study.

Here I want to criticize, why the assignments are so many? I just can not understand, it's hard and really time consuming, meanwhile actually we need to study more important and real things. All of the theories are just so hard to be understand.

 -ELT Curriculum: Powerpoint presentation about chapter 1, 2, and 3 based on the books and make our own syllabus
-TEFL: Journal, and Summary of 300pages book, we need to write in handwriting of course approximately 100pages
-B.Indonesia: Essay
-ELT Multimedia: HotPot and WPM project, it is totally hard
-Academic Reading: Powerpoint presentation  

Just to remember, here in this hot city, I lived with my younger brother, it is just the same I lived alone. My parents are elsewhere work to keep survive. They just couldn't back here because they were expelled by my grandma, and now they couldn't back here also because there is no job for not-have-diploma-people like my parents. And my father is really sick.